Honestly, I thought we’d still be together today, and it breaks my heart that we aren’t. I don’t care if you feel the same way, or not, but I love you. I love you with all my heart, and I can’t imagine anyone feeling stronger than I do.
I feel like I fucked everything up, and I’m the reason we’re not together. I shouldn’t have listened to my dad. I shouldn’t have looked through your phone, or broke up over facebook. Those are my two biggest regrets with you.
I think why I hard time trusting you, though, is because you constantly crave attention from women, and you’re always so flirty. You weren’t willing to sacrifice that about yourself to make me feel more secure. It seemed like I was just supposed to know and make myself sure about us sometimes. Despite that, I thought it was something we could work on. We kinda did.
Regardless, some of the shit we used to fight about… I don’t even remember. It seems so small, and far away. That shit don’t matter. I just want to hear your voice, hear your laugh, and see you smile. That’s the shit that matters. I just want to see you again, and it kills me that I can’t.
I wanted to give you everything I could, and everything you deserve. I still want to. I still want to cook for you, be there for you, and make your favorite dishes. I wanted to watch our favorite shows together, cuddle and laugh together.
Our time together wasn’t perfect… But what made it perfect was how we were able to get through things. Our connection was perfect. We can tell each other anything, and we know how to make each other laugh. All those times you thought it was awkward cause I wasn’t laughing or saying anything—I was smiling because you make me happy.
I wanted to move for you, and meet new people. I wanted to try something new, and I wanted to begin something with you. Because, in all honesty, I feel something great between us. I can’t really describe it. But isn’t that what love is? Something you can’t really describe, but you can attempt to show?
Love makes people crazy, it really does. But maybe it’s that craziness that really shakes people up and make them realize “Hey, this person does really care for me.”
I still stand by what I say: if you weren’t in New Mexico, and if I wasn’t in California… If we could be physically together, then I think you’d realize what I mean. When we’re together, the love I feel is so strong… I can’t doubt you don’t feel it. But it’s hard to tackle the distance when either of us really doesn’t have any money. I ain’t gotta job, and you’re in debt up the asshole from loans. We had time figuring shit out, but I don’t give a flying fuck, and I’m willing to wait until we can.
See, my life without you, as cliche as it may sound, seems a little empty, a little incomplete, and kinda gray. I miss you. All of you. I miss hearing your voice at night. I miss your texts. I miss hearing about your day. I miss hearing what you ate lol. I miss your corny little jokes that always made me laugh. I miss how when I was trying to be serious you’d be cracking jokes—I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU. I miss how you’d correct my spelling. I miss when you’d share your music with me. I miss seeing your face, and looking into your eyes. I miss holding you, and hugging you. I miss holding your hand. I miss eating with you. I miss texting you good morning. I miss our skype dates, and I miss playing bowling with you. I miss talking about our life together, and I miss talking about our next trip.
You told me that, there’s two ways to get over someone: a bad break-up, or finding someone new. We didn’t really have a bad break-up. So finding someone new? It just seems like dating people would be trying to replace you. And each person I’d go out with would be a person that’s supposed to take your place. That’s the problem. They could never take your place—because they’re not you. Deep down, they’d always be a replacement.
How am I supposed to get over this love that is so strong to me?? Maybe I can’t. Maybe I don’t want to. Cause when I start to date, it becomes more real… that maybe this is really all over. I’m still living in denial, and I know it’s not healthy, but… I don’t want to believe that I’ll never see you again.
Love is a risk. Just because you love someone, that doesn’t mean they will love you back. You can try, and you can try hard. I will always love you, and I will always have feelings for you, and that’s the risk I’m willing to take.
Anthony Thomas Esquibel, I love you with all my heart. I’ve known you for almost three years… Despite that, and til this day, when I hear your voice I melt, and when I look into your eyes, I fall in love again.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Appreciate your loved ones.