Yesterday my dog that I’ve had since 3rd grade had to be put down. We’ve had so many good times together, and when my parents were together he’d go with us to the redwoods, the beach, etc. My dad would pretend he was blind so he could take him into stores. I remember one time when I had my bird, and it got out. He chased after the bird, caught him, and when released not a bone was broken and not a scratch.He was so gentle. I’m not just saying this because he was my dog, but he was a great dog. One of the best I’ve come across. He was loyal, obedient, friendly, beautiful, and inspirational.

He’s old for a dog, but especially old for a Golden Retriever. They’re known for getting arthritis when they’re older, so when he started limping we just assumed that old age was kicking in. My grandparents took him to the doctor, and they advised that they leave him upstairs. However, when they left him downstairs he would come back up the stairs, and wanted to be by my grandparents sides. So, the decided to keep him upstairs, but when he had to go to the bathroom they would use a blanket, and help support him up and down the stairs. They bought fake grass and put it on the deck, but he refused to pee on the deck. Obviously we don’t know why, and I’m sure it had something to do with habit, but he also gave off a vibe of respect. The limping got drastically worse, and ended up getting very sick. They did x-rays, and comes to find he had cancer in his paw that had eaten away at his bone marrow, and it was spreading fast.

This beautiful dog had cancer in his paw, but every time I, or any other family member, would visit he never failed to greet us at the door. Every time he greeted us or went to the bathroom he never cried—Yet half of the bone was gone.

Two years ago, he was still relatively healthy. I had just bought a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and I wanted to take him to the beach or the redwoods before his arthritis would really kick in. I had my car for only ten days before it was totaled, and I never got to take him. I had it in my mind that I would “have time” to take him, but I waited and never got to. So, after that I learned that I shouldn’t wait to do or say the things I want to say to my loved ones. My grandma informed me Friday that he was going to be put down on Monday, so I said that I could make it there on Sunday. Well, Friday night he was so sick, that they had had to put him down the next day. I arrived just after they injected him, and was there for his last few breathes. He was gone before I could truly say goodbye.

Life seems so long to us that sometimes I tend to think I can wait to do something because I will have the time to, but that’s not always the case. One should never put off the things we need or want to do, because we will have time “tomorrow”. Say those things now! Visit them now! I learned that I should never wait.

I also learned that I should be strong like Shadow. His strength through his hardship is inspirational.

I know this may seem silly to some, but he was more than just a dog to me. At times he was like a brother. Even in times of silence his presence was comforting. Even though my heart breaks for his loss, I glad he is no longer suffering in silence. 

I love that dog, and he will be truly missed.

Thanks to anyone who read this.

I love you Shad-ee <3

I wish the situation was different, but it’s not

I wish he could hug me, but he can’t

I wish he could kiss me, but he can’t

I wish he was my boyfriend, but he’s not

Honestly, I thought we’d still be together today, and it breaks my heart that we aren’t. I don’t care if you feel the same way, or not, but I love you. I love you with all  my heart, and I can’t imagine anyone feeling stronger than I do.

I feel like I fucked everything up, and I’m the reason we’re not together. I shouldn’t have listened to my dad. I shouldn’t have looked through your phone, or broke up over facebook. Those are my two biggest regrets with you.

I think why I hard time trusting you, though, is because you constantly crave attention from women, and you’re always so flirty. You weren’t willing to sacrifice that about yourself to make me feel more secure. It seemed like I was just supposed to know and make myself sure about us sometimes. Despite that, I thought it was something we could work on. We kinda did.

Regardless, some of the shit we used to fight about… I don’t even remember. It seems so small, and far away. That shit don’t matter. I just want to hear your voice, hear your laugh, and see you smile. That’s the shit that matters. I just want to see you again, and it kills me that I can’t.

I wanted to give you everything I could, and everything you deserve. I still want to. I still want to cook for you, be there for you, and make your favorite dishes. I wanted to watch our favorite shows together, cuddle and laugh together.

Our time together wasn’t perfect… But what made it perfect was how we were able to get through things. Our connection was perfect. We can tell each other anything, and we know how to make each other laugh. All those times you thought it was awkward cause I wasn’t laughing or saying anything—I was smiling because you make me happy.

I wanted to move for you, and meet new people. I wanted to try something new, and I wanted to begin something with you. Because, in all honesty, I feel something great between us. I can’t really describe it. But isn’t that what love is? Something you can’t really describe, but you can attempt to show?

Love makes people crazy, it really does. But maybe it’s that craziness that really shakes people up and make them realize “Hey, this person does really care for me.”

I still stand by what I say: if you weren’t in New Mexico, and if I wasn’t in California… If we could be physically together, then I think you’d realize what I mean. When we’re together, the love I feel is so strong… I can’t doubt you don’t feel it. But it’s hard to tackle the distance when either of us really doesn’t have any money. I ain’t gotta job, and you’re in debt up the asshole from loans. We had time figuring shit out, but I don’t give a flying fuck, and I’m willing to wait until we can.

See, my life without you, as cliche as it may sound, seems a little empty, a little  incomplete, and kinda gray. I miss you. All of you. I miss hearing your voice at night. I miss your texts. I miss hearing about your day. I miss hearing what you ate lol. I miss your corny little jokes that always made  me laugh. I miss how when I was trying to be serious  you’d be cracking jokes—I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU. I miss how you’d correct my spelling. I miss when you’d share your music with me. I miss seeing your face, and looking into your eyes. I miss holding you, and hugging you. I miss holding your hand. I miss eating with you. I miss texting you good morning. I miss our skype dates, and I miss playing bowling with you. I miss talking about our life together, and I miss talking about our next trip.

You told me that, there’s two ways to get over someone: a  bad break-up, or finding someone new. We didn’t really have a bad break-up. So finding someone new? It just seems like dating people would be trying to replace you. And each person I’d go out with would be a person that’s supposed to take your place. That’s the problem. They could never take your place—because they’re not you. Deep down, they’d always be a replacement.

How am I supposed to get over this love that is so strong to me?? Maybe I can’t. Maybe I don’t want to. Cause when I start to date, it becomes more real… that maybe this is really all over. I’m still living in denial, and I know it’s not healthy, but… I don’t want to believe that I’ll never see you again.

Love is a risk. Just because you love someone, that doesn’t mean they will love you back. You can try, and you can try hard. I will always love you, and I will always have feelings for you, and that’s the risk I’m willing to take.

Anthony Thomas Esquibel, I love you with all my heart. I’ve known you for almost three years… Despite that, and til this day, when I hear your voice I melt, and when I look into your eyes, I fall in love again.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Appreciate your loved ones.

realwisdom:

We’re all just human, you don’t have to label yourself.

Do what you want with who you want. If that guy is hot go talk to him, if you like that girl go flirt with her.

Fall in love with a person not a gender. 

aneerctrotter:

….The little things usually matter the most……..Like a hug

This goes great with what I just posted lol

lebothedork:

If you know the word love then this video is for you.

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me… Don’t hurt me! No more…